No, we ain’t gonna take it
“Trash.”
“Delete and block.”
“NEXT.”
“You deserve better.”
“F***BOY. BYE!”
These are just a few of the comments I frequently see on a dating app “support group” on Facebook. It’s a private group that consists of only women, and we write posts asking for advice, share the occasional successful love story (and successful breakup story), promote self-growth and development, etc.
I think if any random hetero guy read these comments out of context, he’d misunderstand and think all women hate men. Hell, even with context (“I went out with this guy three times, we hit it off, but he takes 2 days to text back”), he still probably wouldn’t understand. Why? It’s because most men are STILL refusing to put in any effort in online dating.
Between the guys who are only looking for hookups, to the ones who string you along and then disappear when you try to ask them out, to the ones who you finally meet and disappear after two dates… it’s no wonder everyone hates online dating. And it’s also no wonder why women put up with men who aren’t clear about their intentions and drag them through hell emotionally, because the standard now is, “Well, at least they looked like their photos.”
That’s all starting to change. Groups like my FB group, Twitter, relationship coaches like Matthew Hussey and Evan Marc Katz, singers like Lizzo and Dua Lipa (and don’t forget Lily Allen!), and countless inspirational Instagram accounts remind us daily that we women need to value ourselves more and not settle for anything less from our dating companions… as Twisted Sister says, “We’re not gonna take it.”
But there’s a catch. There’s always a catch. Because, once you start deleting and blocking because your expectations are — god forbid — higher than “I’d like to be texted during waking hours… once a week,” the pool shrinks. Massively.
As Jennifer Morrison’s character Gigi exclaims in He’s Just Not That Into You, “So, what, now I’m just supposed to run from every guy who doesn’t like me? There’s not gonna be anybody left!”
And, as Acamea Deadwiler says, why are we the ones who have to suffer through the emotional toil of setting higher standards? We’ve become so accustomed to putting up with bulls*** that we end up feeling guilty for wanting more than the bare freaking minimum.
As women, we have to believe we’re worth more than a man just being a man while we do all the heavy lifting to foster depth in the relationship. We have to require more than a man just showing up.
The responsibility on men is to put up or shut up. Stop complaining that there are no women out there and that you’re not getting anywhere dating-wise. Put some goddamn effort into your profile: add a real bio that doesn’t consist solely of emojis, use non-group photos, and FFS, don’t write “Just ask” as a bio. And if you’re lucky enough find a gal, don’t act like a dick and give up after two dates because they haven’t slept with you yet. It’s that simple.
But where are the books and coaches and advice columns directed at men to up their game? Women have gained self-respect by no longer accepting “men behaving badly,” but there’s nothing on the other side to give men a giant dope slap to say, “Hey, dummy! I realize you’re not naturally built with much emotional capacity and awareness, so maybe now’s the time to evolve if you want to keep getting laid.” It goes both ways, fellas.
So, between the disposable environment that’s online dating, the lack of any sort of self-help directed toward men to adjust their naturally flaky behavior, and women finally standing up for themselves… well, everyone, I think we’re screwed. Prepare to remain single for a long, long time.
(Except maybe the planet, which will thank us for the decrease in birthrates.)
Post title inspration: “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” by Twisted Sister
